Not without my scale!

If you're in the Hotel Industry you'll find that every now and then a guest will check in with, lets just say, less than reputable intentions during their stay in your town. Whether it's selling drugs, prostitution, filming porn, or just plain ole dodging of the law, we've all had them check in at our desk at some point.

A few weeks ago we had a 'gentleman' check in to our quaint little boutique inn with his, younger, slightly more tweaked out male companion. This guy had the raspiest voice, dark little sunglasses, alligator skin, and a knit hat on top of his head the whole time. He spoke like a typical gay man, but not overly flamboyant by any means. His little partner (Tweaky) didn't speak but just helped himself to two cups of coffee while 'Daddy' checked in. If you've guessed that this is a pre-paid Expedia reservation then you are correct.

At this point if you didn't read my first post, you'll need to look at it to be familiar with the characters at the inn.

Jack and I were on the desk when these two checked in around 2pm and Slim was the valet on duty. After they checked in and went to their room, Slim came back in the lobby to report that he had just unloaded their car 'full of shit' into their room. Clothes in garbage bags, one suitcase, three book bags, a desk lamp, some other odds and ends and then whatever small bags they carried in with them. Random, but not the strangest thing we've ever seen.

About a half an hour later Tweaky comes in the lobby, grabs another cup of coffee and then comes up to the desk to ask, "Do you guys have any small like gift bags that I could borrow? Ya know, like little ones..."
Me: No. We don't. Sorry. Um... How many do you need? There's a (local grocery) just about three blocks away that has some in the greeting card section.
Jack: Yeah, they have different sizes in there. Probably the best place to look close to here.
Tweaky: So, you guys don't have any here then?
Jack: No.
Tweaky: Ok, fine. (And off he goes towards to lobby door)
Jack: Do you want to know how to get there?
Tweaky: Ugh. No. I'll just figure it out.
Me: Ok. Have a nice day!

Jack and I then proceed to discuss just how messed up this guy seems for it to be so early in the afternoon and our theories on why it is that he needs gift bags. Jack doesn't seem to care sine he had about an hour till his shift was over and the next day off and since Daddy and Tweaky were a one-night stay, he wouldn't have to deal with them. Right before he leaves however, a car pulls up in the driveway outside the lobby and Tweaky (literally) runs out and hops in the passenger seat and off they go.

Jack: Well for having just got to town, he sure seemed to make a friend pretty fast.
Me: Oh man I hope we don't have to call the cops tonight.
Jack: Well you have fun with that. I'm outta here.

About that time young Catfish is walking in the door for the night shift, of which I have a three hour overlap as the mid-day person. I catch him up on all the hotel business of the day, check in requests, and other typical shit. I also catch him up on our new friends Daddy and Tweaky.

Catfish: Oh yeah, they're definitely selling drugs dude.
Me: Probably, but maybe they're just on a modern day Fear and Loathing adventure. (The reference sailed right over his head but as his usual he played along).
Catfish: Maybe, but I've seen stuff like this before. I know... trust me.
Me: (eye roll and back to my computer)

Right before I was scheduled to get off work Tweaky comes walking in the lobby from somewhere, grabs another cup of coffee and heads off to his room without a word.

Catfish: Oh yeah, that guy is definitely on something.
Me: Well, just try not to provoke anyone tonight and hopefully they'll be gone in the morning.
Catfish: Yeah ok.

And that, was what most desk people call wishing a problem will be checked out by the time you get there the next day. It rarely works out that way.

The next morning, I get in about an hour and a half before check out time and find WhoWhat on the desk presiding over what looks to be a pretty quiet morning.

WhoWhat: Morning!
Me: Morning WhoWhat! Hows the morning going so far?
WhoWhat: Oh you will not believe the shit that's going on here today.
Me: Let me guess, Room ___.
WhoWhat: Yep. The older one was in here this morning getting his room re-keyed because he doesn't want the younger one "anywhere near here or his room." So we are NOT to give him a key or let him back in that room.
Me: Wait, I thought they were checking out today anyway.
WhoWhat: Oh no. The older one came in and extended for three more nights.
Me. Awww fuck. (I then proceed to catch WhoWhat up on the happenings with Daddy and Tweaky from the day before)
WhoWhat: Well he's ordered like three things of flowers today and said his sister is coming to join him and that Tweaky is not to be allowed back in there.

Sure enough about two hours later Daddy drives up with Sis in the car, Scooter parks the car, and off they go to the room. Sis looks more 'with it' than the other two but is a chain smoker who also has the exact same raspy voice as Daddy, a love for the lobby coffee like Tweaky, and has about a thousand random questions every time she walks through on one of her every ten minute smoke breaks.
The flowers get delivered, Daddy and Sis go off to lunch and not ten minutes go by before, you guessed it, Tweaky shows up looking worse than the day before and ready for coffee. Of course WhoWhat and I watch him head back towards the room knowing his keys won't work, then watch him NOT come back into the lobby to ask about keys but rather go sit on a bench in the courtyard and finish off his coffee in about three gulps before walking off down the street. Must not be the first time he's pissed Daddy off and gotten kicked out of a hotel room.

Daddy and Sis return from lunch, and he asks WhoWhat to redo his keys again.
WhoWhat: Um, Sir, you're keys are still the same as this morning, there hasn't been any changes, so there really is no reason to have the keys reset.
Daddy: Oh I know. I just want to be safe you know. Never can tell.
WhoWhat: Well, actually, you can since no other keys have been issued. But... I'll be happy to redo them for you if you like.
Daddy: Would you please? Thanks Love.
WhoWhat: Um...
Yeah, even my skin crawled a bit hearing Daddy refer to WhoWhat as "Love."

And, of course, as Daddy was heading out of the lobby Ellie Mae (the head housekeeper) walks in to speak with us and Tweaky appears out of nowhere and starts talking to Daddy and Sis in the courtyard.

Ellie Mae: Y'all. Y'all aint gonna believe this but we just found crystal meth in Daddy's room.
Me: Where?
Ellie Mae: In his room!
Me: Heard that part. Where in his room? Just laying out there?
Ellie Mae: No! Of course not. It was in the night stand drawer under some other stuff and in a little baggie.
WhoWhat: Oh Jesus Christ!
Me: Now what in the hell are you doing going through that guy's drawer? You know those people are sketchy as hell. Just service the room and get out of there. And how do you even know it was 'crystal meth?'
Ellie Mae: Oh I know what crystal meth look like.
Me: How?
Ellie Mae: Oh. I just know it wasn't candy in there.
Me: Well since we don't know anything then, lets just stay out of that room shall we.
WhoWhat: Sounds good to me. Besides I bet he'll have a DND on the door for the rest of his stay anyway. Seems like a really paranoid guy to me and if he feels like you've been through his stuff I'm sure he'll be freaking out.

WhoWhat has been doing this for a long time and is pretty dead on about these things and sure enough Daddy hung the Do Not Disturb sign out on his door that afternoon and there it stayed till they checked out.

Fast forward a few days and we get to check out time for Daddy and the sketchy bunch. Tweaky had been in and out several times but not issued any keys, Sis had drank her weight in coffee ten times over and smoked enough cigarettes to support the nation's tobacco lobbyist and Daddy had gotten his room keys remade on average about three times a day. But... they were on the way out.

Scooter pulls up their car at noon a full hour after our 11am checkout time. Daddy is still not ready and walking around in the parking lot slowly loading things while still wearing a bath robe. Sis of course is all hopped up on coffee and ready to go while Tweaky had walked off somewhere two hours before with gift bags for all the good boys and girls. Sis and Daddy finally get in the car and all of us at the desk cheer them on as they pulled away and headed off. Ellie Mae immediately gets in their room to inspect it after three days and finds it messy, but not destroyed. She reports that only one towel is missing and no other "items" were left behind.

Fifteen minutes later the phone rings and WhoWhat answers to find Daddy on the other end of the line asking if we found a bathroom scale in his room claiming that he left his behind. WhoWhat puts Daddy on hold, radios Ellie Mae, who reports back that nothing was left in the room. WhoWhat relays this message to Daddy and the call ends.

Later that afternoon while I was enjoying a nice lazy cup of tea behind the desk while Catfish and Tiny were discussing their Tinder accounts, Daddy's car appears in the driveway out of nowhere. Tiny goes out to see what he needs and comes back into the lobby to report that Daddy demands reentry into his room to search for his lost bathrooms scale that we have stolen from him and that he isn't leaving until we give him his scale. I say, "fuck this" and go out to cut the whole thing off.

Me: Afternoon Sir. I'm sorry but both my head housekeeper and the valet this morning checked that room and there was nothing left behind there.
Daddy: Well that's just not true. You have a thief on your staff! Someone has stolen my scale!
Me: Sir, I assure you that no one has stolen your scale. If you'd like to back your car out of the driveway, take the loading zone across the street, and search your car I'm sure you will be able to locate your scale.
Daddy: It's not in here! I've already looked.
Me: (snottily) You sure your friend didn't take it?
Daddy: Ugh. So you're telling me I need to wait in my car over there? Ugh. I demand to talk to your head housekeeper. Where is she?
Me: She's off property right now Sir. She'll be back in about 15 minutes and I'll send her over there to your car when she returns.
Daddy: Well I'm not leaving here until I get my scale!

Daddy shoots me a snotty look and then whips his car over into a loading zone out of the driveway. I knew good and well that Ellie Mae wouldn't be back for at least 20 minutes and maybe as much as a half hour. But since Daddy was prepared to wait until hell froze over to talk to someone about his bathroom scale, and we were not about to let him back into that room or into any room, he was just going to have to wait there. Which he did. Sis got out of the car every five minutes to have a smoke and talk to anyone passing by while Daddy had one leg propped up on the dash listening to the radio.

Ellie Mae did return in about 20 minutes as I thought and I radioed for her to meet Daddy at his car. She went over there, and to my surprise finished her shouting match with Daddy in under 10 minutes. She later reported that not only was the scale sentimental to him but it was a gift from Sis as well. He was sure that he had seen it that morning since he had weighed himself  both before and after breakfast. And, while both Catfish and I had hoped that it would come to blows between Ellie Mae and Daddy, nothing really happened and he ended up driving away both unsatisfied and unweighed.

The whole thing was over. Daddy was surely going to write a review that accused all of us of stealing and Tweaky was probably left to wander the streets of our fair city selling meth out of gift bags just to make ends meet. So beware fellow hotel workers... if you see a strung out homosexual version of Jean Reno from The Professional walk into your lobby he will have sentimental items in his garbage bag suitcase and he will accuse you of stealing those items before he leaves.

Until next shift...